Finally... (aka Intentions, Part Three)

Every one of us lives life in community with others. Every choice, every decision we make as individuals ripples outward to others. There is no action without consequence, no thought without impact.

Something as simple as a smile can change the day for someone, who will then go on to impact other people differently because of your kind regard. In the same way, rudeness can so easily start a chain reaction.

This is why we must be intentional in all we do, understanding that we are not self-contained — rather, we are simply and magically part of something so much bigger than ourselves.

Many somethings, actually — a couple, a family, a friend group, a team, a class, a dog group, a church group, community, state, nation and so on. We are part of everything around us, creating and influencing it with our words, our actions, and even our thoughts.

I consider all that a bit of a mandate to be a decent person, care about others, try to make the world a just and equitable place, do the right things, and so on and so forth. The mantle of personhood is heavy!

And that is how I wound up with this darn painting…

Not a small painting, mind you!

It went like this.

NPR Pledge Week was happening. I called in to pledge. The person on the phone ran through the thank you gifts and one of them was a donated painting called Super Nova.

OMG, I said to myself, I will get that for Nova Sr.!! Mind you, I have never actually met Nova Sr., a wonderful young person in Minnesota, but she plans to move to Montana and live with me as soon as her parents spring her — I think she will love how the guest bathroom is coming along!

Thanks so much to Lori for the latest addition to the bathroom — a fun reminder to wash your hooves!!!

Anyway, back to the painting…

I drove up a canyon north of Missoula to retrieve said painting from the person donating it. I knocked on the door, and identified my purpose. She went and got the painting.

“Oh Dear,” I said to myself as I walked it back to the van. “Is that bird poop?!”

Then I felt guilty (see previous posts about Catholic schools) because someone lovingly painted that, and I was thinking mean thoughts. I wondered if maybe my lack of appreciation stemmed from my ignorance about art. Maybe it is actually amazing. [Please note the complicated thoughts and emotions from my attempt to do a good deed.]

I showed the painting to Suzanne who said — after a moment of silence as she regarded the masterpiece — “Well, maybe you can use the frame?”

She is such a cheerful optimistic, that Suzanne!

Our best intentions do not always go as planned but the important part is that we try. I may not have scored the perfect painting for Nova Sr.’s bedroom but she gets to start this day knowing that she matters to someone in Montana, and you — more people she has not met — are also invited to acknowledge and support her.

Nova Sr. competed in a special virtual Trick Dog competition for Juniors…

That went well!

You will not want to miss Team Hattie’s Trick Dog Video WELL DONE, Team Hattie! SO clever and fun.

Fun Fact: Hattie is a cousin to the Bright Stars, making all the dogs and associated humans related to each other. Given that I am practically her aunt, I think Nova Sr. might be moving to Montana even sooner!

Nova Sr. is not the only girl we are invited to support today — Ada and Wildflower Zeus have only two more days to sell Girl Scout Cookies.

I am ordering more boxes (they can be mailed — who knew?!) — my way of telling Ada, “YOU GO, GIRL!”

If you want to join me in mattering to a girl you have not met, here is the link to Ada’s virtual cookie store: Girl Scout Cookies

Thank you to the parents/family of those two special girls for raising such a wonderful next generation, and for letting us be part of the fun.

#girlpower

Now, what do I do with that darn painting?!

The Inside Self: An Update

I know I am not the only one whose Little Soldiers have been forced to keep moving even though they really need to crumple in small, sobbing heaps and catch their breath. Sometimes we simply must march on.

As some know, my life has taken some unwanted and unexpected turns, as Life is wont to do. The Husband continues to receive excellent treatment/care in Utah and has been evaluated by a national expert in brain issues — he will be followed in the future by that specialist, unless the aforementioned brain/mind issues cause him (The Husband) to make more unfortunate choices and refuse to cooperate.

Yes, it has been tough — complicated and messy and hard in ways I never imagined my life would proceed. How should one feel about spousal betrayal when the actions may well be related to glitches in the mind/brain? How should one react to information that a woman experiencing homelessness — but likely not brain glitches — has used my house and my husband as a crash pad?

I share that info as context but the main point of this post is about what helps. And I share because I know that while your life may not have blown up in such a spectacular way, being human is hard.

So what does help?

It helps when people understand that I do not have capacity. People in the Dark Place just do not have much to give most of the time.

It helps when people — understanding that lack of capacity — do not just give up and go away when they do not hear a response through the walls of the Dark Place, which are very, very thick sometimes.

I received truffles. Valentine chocolates in Berner boxes. An origami beaded crane, representing healing. Sage for cleansing…

Do you know how much those kinds of things mean when you are in the Darkest of Dark Places? I will remember to pay it forward when my turn in the Dark Place is over.

Others have sent emails and notes — not asking for anything but just to let me know that I am not alone.

When someone is hiding out — trying not to move lest the rest of them bleed out — gentle, undemanding, and persistent presence is so wonderful. Those who do not expect anything in return — thank you.

I have taken inventory of everything that has helped me in the past when I have had rough patches. This is a great strategy — if it worked before, it can work again.

Notes from my Perfect Sister.

At the same time, when we need to force broken-hearted Little Soldiers to keep marching, we cannot add more to their plates (there I am, mixing my metaphors again!). And so to do all the self-care things I need plus my job — and just to stay upright — I have had to dial way back on other things.

Truthfully, when you are in that terrible Dark Place, there isn’t much space to do anything but cry and so dialing back is easy — the hard part is not making it worse by feeling guilty for all that is undone.

Undone is okay. In fact, it is necessary. Think of undone — without guilt — as one form of self-care.

Exercise. I know from my past that exercise matters and once again, it is proving crucial. I have a Peloton bike and they should hire me as a spokesperson because I seriously cannot say enough about what that has meant to me over the past months.

The view from the Peloton bike.

I walk dogs. I do strength work, core work, etc. My Inside Self is messy but my Outside Self is in darn good shape!

I process with trusted people. I journal. I make goals so that I can keep some hope alive. I play Zoom cards with my family. I go tracking with Suzanne. I say no to more things than I say yes. I stay focused on TODAY — this minute.

All of that helps. I am intentional about being okay — that is why I am okay.

And I have been taking back the place where the Violation occurred — the walk-out basement. Apparently, the cats kept the poor allergic woman downstairs. Well-played, Cats!

#teammary-ann

I call it the Cleansing Project.

Who knew I was so darn handy?!

Well, yes — messy and pretty novice at all this…

Note to Self: Don’t lean on the wet countertop.

But still — redoing a countertop?! Furniture assembly?!

Okay, yes — there was some blood involved but I DID IT! And not just a couch…

The Guest Suite has new EVERYTHING.

Painting and cleaning and decorating.

Taking back my private spaces that were violated by betrayal and turning them into a place of love and welcome — because when all is said and done, that is how I roll.

The Daily Q: From California

I love the updates I am getting! Today we hear from Tony — he and Brody are holed up in northern California with Nikko (iPup) and ZeD (Sparkler).

Tony shares:

“It’s been Week 6 since quarantine and both Nikko and ZeD are wondering why I’m home everyday.  They also wonder why breakfast is an hour later!  We also get to go on longer walks and runs in the morning.  It’s eerily quiet,  just an occasional dog walker here and there.  I’m not complaining!

With the exception of going to the butcher to get bones for the dogs every Saturday and a trip to Costco every weekend,  we pretty much take shelter in place rather seriously.  My aunt made masks and sent them up to us and her children and spouses who are all doctors.  They can’t wear hospital masks out of the hospital,  not that they have any to spare anyway.”

It is very handy to have relatives and friends who sew — I have discovered this as well. Thank you so much, Tony, for the update and photos.