The Daily Q: Platitude vs. Pivot

Platitudes and Pivots may seem similar — both suggest a directional change, after all. But they are actually quite different.

A platitude is a bit of a scolding, which nobody needs right now.

On the other hand, a pivot is a deliberate and empowering choice. It is, in fact, a self-care strategy.

But — this is important — the pivot happens in the context of honesty and compassion; a platitude is just kind of mean.

An example…

I had big plans for Claire in 2020.

Claire’s Big Plan: Chase more balls.

I spent months and months fine tuning her obedience skills — an entire year, in fact. I intentionally did not finish her CD in 2019 after her amazing performance at the last Specialty. I knew — after 25+ years of doing this — that Claire has the potential to be a High in Trial dog.

And so I was training specifically for the 2020 Specialty, and had her other obedience shows mapped out based on her High in Trial potential.

But that is not all.

Claire had early and often breed ring success. She finished her championship ridiculously easily at 17 months, and got a group placement soon after.

Her Grand Championship was also easy peasy, and completed at like 20 months. One memorable Best of Breed was over ten or eleven Specials, including at least one ranked male.

All that as an adolescent — and always owner-handled.

And so maybe you can understand why I see some fun potential in this dog.

Then I did something that is really hard for me: I practiced patience. I let her grow up — and we trained. And trained.

Claire is now three and ready to sparkle and shine. 2020 was to be her year.

Spring snow — yep.

Cue the pandemic.

Dog events might not be your thing but I bet you have a thing or two that has been disrupted, and so you can maybe relate to what this might feel like to me.

A platitude would look like this: “Self, at least Claire is young and you can show her again — someday (knock on wood).” Or how about: “Self — quit moping about this and get a real problem — people are sick and dying out there.”

Platitudes are both ineffective and additive — they don’t help us cope with hard feelings, and they toss Shame into the emotional stew.

The pivot is different. It is based on honesty and self-compassion. I acknowledge and feel my feelings: sadness, disappointment, regret, and so on. I recognize those emotions as the normal response to my lost dreams, and I create space to sit with them.

And then I pivot.

I make a conscious choice to turn in a different emotional direction. But because I have given all those feelings their due, Sadness, Disappointment, and the rest of that crowd are not yelling in one ear while Shame shrieks in the other.

Nope. Those feelings just needed to be felt. That is the nature of feelings.

Platitudes try to ignore feelings — to dismiss them as unworthy, and the Feeler as shameful for feeling them.

Pivots build a foundation on feelings. They are a choice made because of feelings — not in spite of them.

And so I felt my feelings — and I pivoted.

This is getting long and so I end by saying this about that — Perspective is a related topic for another day.

In the meantime, cry those tears for your lost opportunities and when you are ready and able — consider a pivot.

Stay safe and distant and well. And together. We got this.

The Daily Q: Pandemic Platitudes!

Welcome to Pandemic Platitudes!

A new game to find the best of the endless stream of Pandemic Platitudes!!

Yesterday’s winner is…

“You are not stuck at home — you are safe at home.”

Wait — what?!

Don’t be fooled by the lack of overt malice, Dear Friends. Platitudes are “you-should-not-feel-as-you-do” scoldings that don’t land well because they are unkind and dismissive.

They are also dangerous.

Maybe being stuck at home is making their suicidal thoughts worse, or they are having a hard time controlling their rages towards their partner or children.

Maybe saying, “I am stuck at home” was just a way to assess your willingness to care, to relate, to listen, to understand. Regardless of intention, platitudes convey the opposite of all those important things.

A platitude is not actually about the person with the hard feelings.

Rather, a platitude is all about the one saying — in code we all understand — you-should-not-feel-like-that-around-me; we shall henceforth call that person the Platituder.

And so if the intention is to scold someone for their feelings — platitude away. If the intention is to convey something like, “begone from my presence, messy feelings” — go Platituder!

But if you want to respond in a kind and supportive way, say something like, “I am sorry” or “It sounds like being home all the time is rough” or “what is making it especially hard to be at home right now?”

That said, if someone asks, “how can I think differently about being stuck at home?” it would be great to say, “what about thinking that you are safe at home instead of stuck at home?”

Remember: An expression of feeling is not a request to fix anything. It is just an expression of feeling. No tools required.

If someone wants an idea for how to think or feel differently, trust that they will ask.

Now we come to the really important part — Are you platituding yourself these days?

The Daily Q: So Much Feeling

Political Historian Heather Cox Richardson offers reasoned, intelligent, and insightful real-time narration of current events on her Facebook page. Her observations from yesterday included this gem:

“If I were looking back at today from the vantage point of a hundred years from now, I would write that the government, whose systems for handling a crisis have been dismantled, is faltering badly as inexperienced officials are trying to respond to a pandemic by relying on the private sector.”

An additional layer of challenge for me in this pandemic is feeling like I am watching an alternative reality. We are told not to be believe what we can see and hear for ourselves. And worse - there are actually people who are/were happy to live in that mirage of disease and death.

Who is missing a screw?

The threat was minimized.

Adequate preparation was not initiated — unless you were one of those politicians who sold off stock because you had the inside scoop this was going to be bad.

This was not a sneak attack.

And what do we do with all that emotion?

How do we respond to people in our social circles when they proudly display their ignorance by posting and saying absurd things. It is no longer eye-rolling ignorance — it is dangerous, malicious, and cruel ignorance.

Poll after poll reflect partisan divide on this pandemic. Republicans were/are less likely to be concerned about the virus — and they have been much slower to adopt safe living practices.

The false prophet is killing off his base.

I care about that.

I care medical staff and first responders who lack protective equipment.

I care about what it means that calls to mental health hotlines are increasing.

I care — about so much.

And all that caring and all that outrage — where does it go when we are in a shelter in place order? When we are just trying to get by?

The November election cannot come soon enough. It is just too bad we will have to step over bodies to get to the ballot box.