The Daily Q: A How-to List When Covid-19 Shatters a Life (Updated)

10,943 human beings in the USA have had their lives ended by Covid-19; by the time you read this, the number will be higher.

Clark Osojnicki — the husband of one of my closest and longest friends — lost the rest of his wonderful lifetime to Covid-19 yesterday.

Did you hear the shattering as he was transformed from a beloved member of a family and community to a pandemic statistic?

Did a shard from my friend’s stunned and broken soul land on you?

Oh, how I wish I had the Magic Wand.

But I don’t.

All I have is words.

Inadequate words.

But maybe words that can help all of us as we navigate helping Kris as she discovers — over and over and over — that her nightmare is real.

She is not asleep. He is gone. Really gone. And not coming back.

What she has left is us.

And yes — we are also inadequate. Imperfect. Scared. Heartbroken.

But we are what she has, and so let’s do this awful thing — together.

My expertise — if any of us can really be experts in anything — is grief and loss. Therefore — and because I know he would want her wrapped in our love and support — I offer these ideas for what to do when you hear the news.

And may I just add that I cannot believe I am writing these words?

Caring for Her Shattered Heart: An Informed How-to List

1. Send things — meals, gift cards, memories, photos, gifts, sympathy cards, messages, and so on. If something tangible — do it anonymously to spare her the burden of thank-you-note-guilt, or clearly communicate, “no acknowledgement wanted — this is about you.”

2. Your grief matters — hers matters more. Let’s keep the focus where he would want: On helping her.

3. Don’t ask her those nosy questions. It doesn’t matter.

4. Be very careful not to need anything from the one who has nothing left to give. It is not your turn to need answers, reassurances, comfort, or support.

5. NO PLATITUDES. If your sentence is going to start with, “At least…” — just stop.

6. Related — there is not a silver lining. None. Don’t leave her to go off looking for one. This is just awful. Stay with her in the Dark Place.

7. She will need ongoing support — do not forget her shattered heart in a few weeks because that is actually when shit will get real and she will need us more.

8. It is not fair to ask a bereaved person how you can help or tell her to let you know if she needs anything. Bereaved people can barely think straight. They cannot be expected to marshal their own grief support. Instead — just do something.

9. Sufficient unto the day. Help her stay in this current moment. Don’t ask her to speculate or plan or make any decisions that can wait. And trust me — almost everything can (and should) wait.

10. “I don’t want to live without him.” “Why did this happen?” “I should have done more, been more.” Understand these kinds of things as expressions of pain and sorrow — not a request for answers or action. Respond to the pain. Stay with the pain. You do not have her answers.

11. Show up. Listen. Care. Know there are no perfect words. Say how sorry you are. Go ahead and bumble it. Your love and support will shine through.

For more information and guidance about grief, please visit www.helpwithgrief.org

Stay safe, kind, well — and supportively distant.

And reach out to me if I can be helpful to you: sontag.bowman@gmail.com

The Daily Q: Fashion and a Super Senior

Teaching a course planned for in-person instruction and abruptly switched on anxious everyones in the middle of a semester is like careening down a narrow dirt road along a mountain — in an RV.

This is a white-knuckle drive for sure.

Therefore, please rest your minds on Miss Maddie from our F Litter and her mom modeling the latest in Pandemic Fashion…

Maddie is 11 years and 7 months young!

Whew! Small uplifts are big things.

Stay Safe!

The Daily Q: Error Messages in a Pandemic

This is not news to anyone who knows me: I am not a Big Fan of telling dogs what they are (supposedly) doing wrong as a method of training.

This is because — in my experience, observations, etc. — telling a dog (or a human) — she is wrong when we have not explained clearly what is right in a way that they really understand is just kind of mean.

An example — not of meanness! — but just an illustration of what I am saying (or trying to say).

Photo by Suzanne of Sparkle and Daisy, Sundance behind them (to support his dream of a harem ;) and Skylar practicing social distancing.

Somebody had the audacity to ride a horse on the road we use to walk dogs — and apparently forgot the giant garbage bag needed to scoop the poop.

Daisy headed over to restock the probiotics in her gut, which is a nice way to say she was going to eat said horse manure; I instructed her to leave it.

And so she did — because Daisy knows what leave it means.

What if Daisy had eaten it anyway?

I would have acknowledged that my leave it training needed work, and just walked over and interrupted her snack (while gagging).

Not a big deal. Just information.

On the way back, I was distracted and turned to see Sparkle gleefully ROLLING in the giant pile of green road apples.

Since she has not been trained to avoid doing this — and I had not given her any information contrary to her desires — any kind of punishment or error message would have been unfair to Sparkle.

Dogs are not mind readers, after all.

I called Sparkle and she came, pretty darn proud of her new scent.

Suzanne, always able to see the bright side, noted that at least Sparkle wasn’t green. True — and funny.

She still got a bath (Sparkle — not Suzanne).

Ignoring Sparkle’s blissful application of eau de Horse Dung doesn’t make me a good dog trainer — it just means I try to be fair.

Fairness matters to me. A lot.

Error messages in dog training tend to be unfair — but I also believe it is unfair and unkind (and frustrating) to make dog training into a guessing game because we lack the skills and the will to actually train to clear expectations.

If you have gotten this far with me — thank you!

Here is the pandemic part — I think there are a lot of error messages happening these days. We are inundated with “don’t do this and “don’t do that” and “OMG I cannot believe you rolled in that.”

Those messages might be important and may save lives — but they are also a bit of a bummer and not the only (or best) way to convey important information.

I think we might need to change the channel.

Don’t just leaves a vacuum or a void — we some do’s to fill it.

In dog training and in pandemics.

I am good at training dogs in ways that avoid all the “don’ts” — now I am pondering how to apply those skills to this unwanted and scary New Normal we are living.

Life With Dogs — who knew it would offer useful tools for a pandemic?!