This is a bit of a switch from weeks and weeks of puppies but it is important.
It has been four months and eight days since Clark Osojnicki left us.
Photo of Clark in Montana by the talented Lisa Kaufman.
The Extremely Awful Place seems to start for the close survivors about 3 - 4 months after someone dies and it continues for weeks and sometimes months. Most people, however, do seem to move back to the Dark Place after/around 5 - 6 - 7 months post-death, which feels like relief after weeks in The Extremely Awful Place.
That the Dark Place would feel like a relief tells you a lot about The Extremely Awful Place. It is really, really awful.
The factors that seem to land most people in The Extremely Awful Place at similar times in their grief make complete sense.
The stunned shock of early grief wears off and it is like the nerve endings for life are coming alive again — and they flipping HURT.
No longer protected by that numbness, the reality of what it means to have lost this person is like a sea of flashing bulbs, popping off constantly and creating a new disequilibrium that is blinding and chaotic.
You just want to go back to bed — even when you are actually still in bed.
You feel like you are not real anymore — that you are just going through the motions while everyone else does “normal life” in a way you cannot understand.
And on top of grieving the one who is gone, you add the worry and grief for the parts of yourself that do not seem attached to you anymore.
“What is wrong with me?” you wonder. And you imagine it will be like this forever and that fills you with despair.
And all that is happening at the exact time the groundswell of support that happens following a significant loss is receding back to normal life.
Even worse, many think the bereaved should be better by now. They do not understand The Extremely Awful Place is normal; their judgment adds additional burden and it is crushing.
So what do we do?
If we are the person sitting on that hard, splintery bench in The Extremely Awful Place — and trust me, we all take a turn — do not make it worse by thinking this is a permanent placement (it is not) or that it means there is something wrong with how we are handling grief (there is not).
Keep breathing. Dial back even more. Accept help. Reach out. Tell people who care: “I am in The Extremely Awful Place.” Don’t worry about showers, vacuuming, or anything that feels extra. Just keep breathing.
I promise it gets less awful.
If we know someone who is likely in The Extremely Awful Place — show up. You cannot enter The Extremely Awful Place but you can sit outside. You can send cards, notes, food, encouragement, support, acknowledgment. There is no magic wand but loving presence is actually pretty darn powerful.
Don’t let The Extremely Awful Place become The Extremely Awful and Loneliest Place Ever.
Again, it has been four months and eight days since Clark Osojnicki died.
#team